How much can a pregnant woman whinge?

In the first three months of my pregnancy, I felt ashamed of myself because all I could think about was, “I’m so tired! I feel nauseated! I can’t do anything! Just-let-me-get-on-with-life!” I wasn’t like other mothers-to-be, who were glowing radiantly every time people ask them how they were, who have bubbling joy flowing out of them every time they think about their pregnancy. I just wanted to get on with doing everything I’m used to doing, and resented not being able to do it.

Then a very wise friend gave me an email, saying,

“Pregnancy is a such a special time - it’s great practice in trusting in God, cos you really can’t do anything about it!”

I’ve put this kind advice at the back of my mind, but really, I just didn’t want to think too much about it. About three weeks into my second trimester, my nausea and supreme tiredness settled down, and I was alive again! I was rushing here and there, trying to get everything done, making up for the lost time I had during the previous three months … not really thinking too much about my pregnancy and what it means.

Sure, my husband and I have been planning to have children, we’ve discussed about it, we know that it will mean a lot of changes and costs in our lives, but we can only learn about it when we get there, right?

Then yesterday, we had our first baby ultrasound. And we saw the baby, kicking its foot up, swallowing, turning a somersault. Everything is now so real. There is a baby in my body, a human being, someone for whom I will be responsible for.

Last night I had a nightmare, where in my rush to go to work I’ve completely forgotten to feed my baby, and it starved and cried … it was horrifying. I know that nightmares are common in pregnancy, but it was still very unsettling.

I think I now know what I really resented during my first trimester, and what I’m really scared of right now. It is the helplessness involved in the whole process.

The helplessness of being in this new situation, when I’ve never experienced motherhood before, when I can’t imagine what kind of mum I will be like, and I don’t know what my child’s personality will be, and I don’t even know when the baby is going to come. Everything is out of my control! I am not in control of anything in this situation!

What do I do in times like this?

It’s at times like this that the Bible keeps me grounded. I’m thinking of Jesus’ words in chapter 6 of Matthew:

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:31-33)

I probably don’t quite get it yet, but I know now that God has shown me what I need to learn, He will make sure I learn it.

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