Christianity.net.au : Questions : How do I stop sinning sexually?

Look i go to church and stuff and ive heard you cant have sex and i know that but i cant stop having sex with my boyfriend we have both tried really hard because we want to serve the lord but its really hard because we have even got to the extremes of havibg sex in the car… when we have commited not to have sex anymore what can we do?

Janeth

Hi and thanks for your question!

It’s a great question because it’s so practical. It really shows me that you and your boyfriend are serious in wanting to follow God’s way, and that’s the most important thing.

Sex is something that’s very powerful indeed. A speaker once said it’s like super glue – it really glues two people together, and once your relationship has gone to this level of intimacy, (i.e. when you’re “glued” together so much), it’s really hard to let it go.

That’s why God tells us sex is a good thing, but it is good only between two people who are married to each other. Getting married involves two people making a commitment before God to be together for life, never to separate. When you don’t have that level of commitment to each other, however in love or committed you may feel at the moment, things can change and you can still go separate ways. That’s why it doesn’t make sense for two people to be “super-glued” when they are not committed to be together for life.

In this way sex outside of marriage is bad for us and our relationships, it goes against all that God wants in a faithful intimate relationship; it is a sin.

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature… the acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity … I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.”
Galatians 5:16ff

Sexual immorality is very serious. The Bible says it’s better for us to get married than to commit sexual immorality.

But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband … If they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Corinthians 7:2ff

There are many practical ways for couples to themselves from getting too close physically, some examples include:

1. Go out together with friends – you get to know each other in a group setting and see how they relate to other people as well
2. Avoid being together in a private place, e.g. car, room, other quiet places. You can catch public transport instead of driving and you can chat to each other in the middle of a fast food restaurant instead of in your room.
3. Talk to each other about your physical boundaries. The key is not to make the other person burn with passion. Work out what actions make the other person unable to control themselves, and stop that action.

It may mean you need to stop touching each other in certain ways; it may mean you need to stop kissing each other at all! It may sound ridiculous – but what’s more important? Stopping sexual immorality or enjoying these physical sensations? The follow passage helps us to see what is our priority as Christians should be:

Do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love.
Galatians 5:13

When you do things that lead the other person to sin, you are destroying the other person and not serving them.

It may be that you can’t control yourselves sexually because, as I said before, sex is a powerful thing and it’s hard to stop once you have started. It may mean you need to get married. Yes, sexual immorality really is this serious!

I suggest the best way to work out what to do in your situation is to talk to a church leader that you trust. It is best if you can talk to a sister in Christ, and your boyfriend talk to a trusted brother about this, and discuss your individual situation, how to deal with it in a way that follows God’s will.

I hope this helps.